We here at Manertainment are children of the 80s and the 90s. We loved GI Joe. We loved Transformers. We loved a lot of cartoons that to this day have huge potential to make actual decent movies. To that end it has been tried – more often than not with very little success. Thankfully most of the movies based on comics have rebounded nicely lately, giving us a glimmer of hope when it comes to the upcoming GI Joe sequel and Avengers films. However, when a title is put into the hands of a couple of people, we have come to expect the worst.
Michael Bay is best known for blowing things up on film. He doesn’t make classic films. He doesn’t win oscars. He makes explosions, likes to do slow motion shots of hot chicks, and my personal favorite, he LOVES the slow motion pan around an actor camera shot.
His movies can be tolerable if you’re in the mood to watch things explode but this time Michael Bay has gone too far. It wasn’t bad enough that he made Transformers 2 (just horrible!) and completely jacked up what was one of the more awesome Decepticons – Devastator! No, he just can’t stop there.
It seems as if Bay has joined forces with George Lucas to form the most powerful, childhood destroying, tag team ever assembled!!! Lucas set forth the destruction with the putrid Star Wars prequels. Bay took the baton and did a number on the Transformers but now, Bay not being happy with just ruining one franchise is taking on some turtles. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to be exact. Notice, the name that made these turtles so famous includes the word “Mutant” in it? Well, that villain Bay is going to reboot the franchise. The Mutant Ninja Turtle franchise… but the turtles won’t be mutants, they will be aliens. Yes… alien… ninja… turtles! So what is going to do, rename it Teenage Alien Ninja Turtles? TANT?!? TAINT?!? What the hell?!?
Here is what Bay said on his website –
“Fans need to take a breath, and chill,” Bay wrote “They have not read the script. Our team is working closely with one of the original creators of ‘Ninja Turtles’ to help expand and give a more complex back story. Relax, we are including everything that made you become fans in the first place. We are just building a richer world.”
I am sorry Mr. Bay, you are NOT including everything that made us become fans in the first place. You see, part of the charm was that these were just ordinary turtles, who were mutated into the size of humans who, became ninjas. These weren’t turtle ALIENS you gigantic douche bag!!! We don’t need to see the world these alien turtles came from, we already know it – it’s called Earth! We don’t need a richer world – we need to see how Splinter found them and turned them into ninjas and where they got their awesome names from. Leonardo, Michelangelo, Raphael & Donatello were… not… aliens!!!
I guess this is what we should expect from this hack. His mission is just beginning though, I fear this is what he might have in store for us –
Scooby-Doo (our version) – This Saturday morning cartoon series featured four teenagers — Fred Jones, Daphne Blake, Velma Dinkley, and Norville “Shaggy” Rogers — who solve mysteries involving supposedly supernatural creatures through a series of antics and missteps. Four teenagers and a great dane – GREAT SHOW.
Scooby 2013 (Bay’s version) – in the apocalyptic world of 2013 a man, who is has been infected with a werewolf virus, fights supernatural forces with his 4 companions – the warrior princess Daphne, the heroic Asgardian Frederic, the brilliant detective Velma and his lovable sidekick, the 10 year old “Shaggy”.
Yogi Bear (our version) – “Yogi Bear” was the most popular television cartoon creation of TV’s early years. Created by William Hanna and Joseph Barbera, the “Yogi Bear” cartoons first appeared as a component segment of “The Huckleberry Hound Show” in 1958. An inhabitant of Jellystone National Park, with his little bear buddy. Boo Boo, Yogi was for the most part a sarcastic, rule-breaking bear with a great yearning for picnic baskets who credited himself as being “smarter than the average bear.”
Escape From Jellystone Park (Bay’s version) – Liam Neeson (as Ranger Tom Nelson) and his adopted son Jaden Smith (as B Cool) must find their way to escape Jellystone Park as they are hunted day and night by a pair of bloodthirsty bears, set on devouring the pair.
Josie & the Pussycats (our version) – Josie and the Pussycats featured an all-girl pop music band that toured the world with their entourage, getting mixed up in strange adventures, spy capers, and mysteries.
JOSIE (Bay’s version) – The world of rock n’ roll can take you to the highest highs and the lowest lows. For Josie, her fame is much more of a burden than a blessing. Hooked on heroin, forced to perform lewd, sexual acts by her manager and disowned by her parents, Josie’s star burns out in nearly record time. The only people who can save her are her bandmates – the Pussycats. The question is, is friendship enough to reignite Josie’s career?
Pinkie & the Brain (Bay’s version) – Two inmates plot the ultimate escape plan. George “Brain” Lazarus (played by Robert Pattinson), the mastermind of the pair along with his sidekick Edward “Pinkie” Callahan (played by Taylor Lautner) escape the prison so that they can finally fulfill their destiny, to take over the world! – Don’t miss the 2014 Summer blockbuster, pairing Pattinson and Lautner together for the first time since Twilight condluded!
Mister T (our version) – The cartoon stars Mr. T as a coach to a gymnastics team (with a specific emphasis on members Jeff, Woody, Robin, and Kim), travelling the world while becoming involved in and solving various mysteries.
Mister T (Bay’s version) – The live-action movie stars Mr. T as a coach to a gymnastics team (with a specific emphasis on members Jeff, Woody, Robin, and Kim), travelling the world while becoming involved in and solving various mysteries.
These are all that I am aware of at this time, and this isn’t even including Lucas’ projects which I am sure involve destroying Willow, American Graffiti and rebooting Indiana Jones with Jake Lloyd making his return to the big screen as the title character…
Damn you Michael Bay… damn you George Lucas – just leave well enough alone!!! We don’t need you doing anymore harm to our sacred, childhood memories! You’re a disgrace to movie-making… A DISGRACE!!!